June 2009
1 post
DumbFML is over.
As you may have noticed, we haven’t posted anything here in a while. Expect that pattern to continue in perpetuity.
Our work here is done. Much like FML itself, after about 20 of these it just gets redundant.
Plus, we’re tired of reading these stupid, mostly fictitious, poorly-executed efforts at imitating Oedipus Rex (with masturbation/menstruation references).
Just remember: when...
May 2009
1 post
fmylife:
Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML
It’s funny how many FMLs are actually much sadder from the perspective of the secondary characters.
Today, I spent hours setting up a surprise party for my spastic, thoughtless child. When she walked in, all of her friends and family jumped up and shouted...
April 2009
37 posts
fmylife:
Today, trying to make my 6 year old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word “toot”. My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say “daddy taught me how to draw butts.” FML
Are you offended that she didn’t credit you with teaching her how to draw farts, also?
fmylife:
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML
Topical!
fmylife:
Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML
Um, don’t you piss off tailgaters by… not speeding?
fmylife:
Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn’t log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My “friend” had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML
Okay, this one is funny.
fmylife:
Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn’t come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML
Man! If only he hadn’t brought flowers home, telling him you were leaving him would have gone so...
fmylife:
Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML
Is there any chance that this dog was a metaphor for a crappy relationship?
fmylife:
Today, I was babysitting, I had put the kids to bed, and I was in the kitchen raiding the fridge when I hear the front door open. There I am in front of the fridge holding a bottle of wine to get to the whipped cream in the back of the fridge. Now my neighbors think I’m an alcoholic. FML
They think you’re an alcoholic because they saw you holding a bottle of wine? I guess that...
fmylife:
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, “Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren’t meant to be together forever.” He compared me to a dying dog. FML
Be optimistic. Maybe you’re the human and he’s the dying dog.
fmylife:
Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn’t worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML
How dare he tell you that he likes you the way you are! WHAT A JERK.
fmylife:
Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling “hot, sexy, and passionate.” According to my ring, I’m hot for my cat. FML
According to my ring, you’re a credulous moron.
fmylife:
Today, I decided to ride my bike to work. When I tried to cross a major street, I couldn’t get enough speed because one of my tires was flat, and I was hit by an SUV. I then had to pay $1700 to fix the large dent my face left on the car. Essentially, I paid $1700 to get run over to go to work. FML
Essentially, you paid $1700 for an accident that was obviously your own fault.
fmylife:
Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said “No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend.” I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML
Maybe you shouldn’t have cheated, douchebag.
fmylife:
Today, I was explaining to a customer that the coffee house where I work does not serve juice. The next customer in line slaps me and calls me a racist. She thought I said we don’t serve jews. My supervisor saw and fired me. I am a jew. FML
Who’s on first? I don’t know! Third base?
fmylife:
Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I’ve fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he’s really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML.
So a 13 year old girl in 2004 pretended to be a guy, whom you fell in love with twice (one of those times being…...
fmylife:
Today a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair, I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML
You know you’re talking about a classy establishment when you call it a “Pizza store”.
fmylife:
Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML
Today, I forgot that the reason I joined the football team was to pull random undies out of my sleeping bag. Also, I went to a...
fmylife:
Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren’t many options for me to eat because I’m a vegetarian, I shouted, “I like really big balls!” in front of my entire family. FML
Fictitious.
fmylife:
Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn’t big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML
Today, I tried to come up with a clever FML about how much of a loser I am. But I couldn’t think of anything plausible. FML
fmylife:
Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said “Now see why you stay in school?” I’m a paramedic. With a bachelor’s degree. FML
What is it with you people and the bachelor’s degrees?
fmylife:
Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidently swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn’t believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML
Well, uh, I can see where they’re coming from on that one.
fmylife:
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I’m a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
It’s probably a good idea to look into this kind of thing prior to permanently defacing your body.
fmylife:
Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML.
Turns out making up embarrassing sexual hijinx isn’t as easy as it seemed the first 8 times you saw American Pie 2.
fmylife:
Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor’s degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML
Wow, a bachelor’s degree. I’m extremely impressed.
(That was sarcasm. You are not too important to do dishes.)
fmylife:
Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of a ugly girl surfing so I shouted out “I didn’t know Shrek could surf”. The room went very quiet. ‘Shrek’ was sitting beside me. FML
If you think you feel bad, imagine being her. Just kidding, you’re obviously incapable of sympathy for another human being.
fmylife:
Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML
Yes, what I get out of that story is “poor you”.
fmylife:
Today, my gf and I were planning to have dinner plans at 6. I called her at 6:09 asking where she was [i was at the restaurant waiting] and she said “I’m at mcdonalds with jessica.. call u later?” I then had to get my waiter to tell him to remove the ring from the dessert so I could go home. FML.
Sadly, that’s what you get for only planning to have dinner plans.
fmylife:
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, “soon, this will be plump with my seed.” FML
Today I went on a date with a guy with a better sense of humor than me. FML.
fmylife:
Today, my grandma gave me the ‘abstinence’ speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML
You people need to learn to have sex in places where your relatives are not.
fmylife:
Today, I forgot my weed on the kitchen counter before leaving for school. My parents surprised me by coming home a day early from their vacation. My mom had mistaken it for parsley, and it is now on top of my pasta. FML
This is a thing that never happened.
fmylife:
Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn’t know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on craigslist.com as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML
You only know you won if she also put up her number, and you got more calls/texts. And of course, to determine...
fmylife:
Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn’t let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents’ house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML
If this were real you probably would have called them “our grandparents”. But you did manage to put...
fmylife:
Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word “No!” written all over my car. FML
What is WRONG with you people?
fmylife:
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said “yes”, the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for “starting a riot”. I never knew clapping was a crime. FML
Shorter version:
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. FML
fmylife:
Today, I learned I get more Twitter text updates than actual texts from my friends. FML
Um, do you not know how the internet works?
fmylife:
Today, I was about halfway through my glass of green tea when I noticed a noodle floating around in the bottom of the glass. FML
A noodle? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
fmylife:
Today, my dad was playing his saxophone and it sounded really horrible. So I told him “your playing sucks” thinking he would give up. Now he’s practicing even more to improve. FML.
You’re a bad person.
This guy is also a big fan of the American Office.
fmylife:
Today, I was masterbating under the covers with my ipod on, listening to some music. When I was finished, I got out of bed and saw a nice tray with a sandwich and glass of milk on it from my mother. It wasn’t there when I started. FML
Today, I stole a joke verbatim from Ricky Gervais. FML.
Alternative Title: This guy is the Dane Cook of Tumblr.
March 2009
38 posts
fmylife:
Today, I found my concert tickets that I’ve been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom’s closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I’m 20. FML
Alternate version:
Today, I live with my mother. I’m 20. FML
fmylife:
Today, a really hot guy walked into my office. Wanting to impress him, I picked up the phone and pretended to be making a huge buisness deal, talking loudly about big sums of money. I put the phone down and smiled seductively at him. He said “Hi! I’m here to connect your phone lines.” FML
The sad thing is that guys aren’t impressed with women who make big business deals. You would have...
fmylife:
Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML
FMLs aren’t supposed to be things that are 100% your own fault.
fmylife:
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say “You… want me… take picture?” while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says “No thanks asshole. I got it.” in plain english. FML
“A large group of asians”? You really are an asshole.
fmylife:
Today, I was invited to a pink panty party at my neighbor’s apt. I went out and bought the cutest pair of pink panties and went over to the party in only them and a matching bra. When I opened the door everyone was wearing jeans. Apparently a pink panty is a mixed drink. FML
We all saw Legally Blonde, which has in common with this story that it is completely fictitious.
fmylife:
Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML
OH THE IRONY IS RICH.
fmylife:
Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He proceeded to roll up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML
How embarrassing. If you hadn’t said that, he probably wouldn’t have remembered that...
fmylife:
Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he’s glad he’s in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML
Considering how artfully you describe the letter, it’s hard to believe he thought...
fmylife:
Today, I was at a sandwich shop and couldn’t help but secretly remove a loose hair from a girl standing in front of me. I yanked it and she instantly began screaming and crying. It was in fact a very long mole hair. The thing started bleeding like a gunshot wound. My apologies went unnoticed. FML
You’re a creep. Normal people don’t yank hairs out of strangers.
fmylife:
Today, after a hard day’s work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said “Sorry, I’ve only got 8 texts left.” FML
This doesn’t even make any sense. If he doesn’t have many texts left, why would he waste one telling you so? MAKE UP...
fmylife:
Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, “I’m gay.” After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, “Duh.” FML
My mother accepts me for who I am. FML.