As you may have noticed, we haven’t posted anything here in a while. Expect that pattern to continue in perpetuity.
Our work here is done. Much like FML itself, after about 20 of these it just gets redundant.
Plus, we’re tired of reading these stupid, mostly fictitious, poorly-executed efforts at imitating Oedipus Rex (with masturbation/menstruation references).
Just remember: when something bad happens to you as a direct result of your being a bad person, it isn’t ironic or tragic: it’s your own fucking fault.
Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML
It’s funny how many FMLs are actually much sadder from the perspective of the secondary characters.
Today, I spent hours setting up a surprise party for my spastic, thoughtless child. When she walked in, all of her friends and family jumped up and shouted “SURPRISE!” That was when she punched me in the face. FML
Today, trying to make my 6 year old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word “toot”. My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say “daddy taught me how to draw butts.” FML
Are you offended that she didn’t credit you with teaching her how to draw farts, also?
Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML
Um, don’t you piss off tailgaters by… not speeding?
Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn’t come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML
Man! If only he hadn’t brought flowers home, telling him you were leaving him would have gone so smoothly.
Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML
Is there any chance that this dog was a metaphor for a crappy relationship?
Today, I was babysitting, I had put the kids to bed, and I was in the kitchen raiding the fridge when I hear the front door open. There I am in front of the fridge holding a bottle of wine to get to the whipped cream in the back of the fridge. Now my neighbors think I’m an alcoholic. FML
They think you’re an alcoholic because they saw you holding a bottle of wine? I guess that makes me a librarian for holding a book last week.
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, “Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren’t meant to be together forever.” He compared me to a dying dog. FML
Be optimistic. Maybe you’re the human and he’s the dying dog.
Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn’t worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML
How dare he tell you that he likes you the way you are! WHAT A JERK.
Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling “hot, sexy, and passionate.” According to my ring, I’m hot for my cat. FML
According to my ring, you’re a credulous moron.
Today, I decided to ride my bike to work. When I tried to cross a major street, I couldn’t get enough speed because one of my tires was flat, and I was hit by an SUV. I then had to pay $1700 to fix the large dent my face left on the car. Essentially, I paid $1700 to get run over to go to work. FML
Essentially, you paid $1700 for an accident that was obviously your own fault.
Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said “No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend.” I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML
Maybe you shouldn’t have cheated, douchebag.
Today, I was explaining to a customer that the coffee house where I work does not serve juice. The next customer in line slaps me and calls me a racist. She thought I said we don’t serve jews. My supervisor saw and fired me. I am a jew. FML
Who’s on first? I don’t know! Third base?